Monday, May 12, 2008


I am the oldest sister. I have 2 precious sisters. I have 4 brothers, 3 younger than me. My older brother is just 14 months older than me, my next brother is 5 years younger than me. My next brother is 11 years younger than me, and my youngest brother is 15 years younger than me. Quite an age spread.
Only one set of parents!
I tried to be a good older sister when we were all growing up. I know we had lots of fun when I was asked to babysit them all. We'd pretend we were singers in a band. We'd crank the stereo up, either on a local station or play my cassettes. It was the 80's so the music was Great!Everyone would pretend to play an instrument and we'd all sing at the top of our lungs. Or we'd play office, and set up a silly, walkie-talkie type, phone system that one of them had gotten for a birthday or Christmas. Or if I had to also make dinner I would make my special Hamburgers, that basically contained all the spices in my Mother's spice cabinet, plus some stuff from the fridge.
When My youngest sister she was diagnosed with bone cancer, in her right arm. I had, prior to this diagnosis, been praying for guideance about going on a Church Mission. I was 25 and still within the perimeters. I knew her diagnosis was my answer, I must stay home. Somehow I was needed. I tried to be positive and cheerful when I was with her. I honestly thought I was a nuisance most of the time.
She is my youngest sister.
I have a special bond with both of my sisters, each unique and special to me. We all bonded one Christmas. My entire family was at our grandparents home in either Missouri or Oklahoma, I can't remember which. They were my father's parents.
My Grandfather had gotten a very large amount of Shrimp. My Grandmother made an amazing Chocolate cake, like she always did. We gorged on Shrimp and Chocolate Cake. Most likely other things as well, but those were the food items I most remember. We were young so, it wasn't detrimental to us.
Us sisters to sleep in the same bed in the basement of their house. We had to sleep in age order, of course. So Emily, my next sister is in the Middle, and Jessica, the youngest is on the other side of Emily.
Through the course of the night, Emily got sick. She couldn't get out of the bed, cause she had a sister on either side. She threw up on me, then I threw up on her. Then she threw up on Jess, and Jess threw up on Her. We laugh till we cry about this now. We've had many bonding experiences but that is by far THE funniest! Jessica won't eat Shrimp or other seafood to this day.
I am 9 years older than my youngest sister, Jessica, she looks like me, in that she's got blonde hair, which is her natural hair color and blue eyes.
I am 8 years older than my middle sister, Emily, I've always called her Jemily or Jemmy. She's our brunette Beauty, she has beautiful brown eyes and always had silky long brown hair, she looks the most like our beautiful brunette Mother.
When Jessica was diagnosed, and during each surgery I was angry, scared and worried beyond belief.
It was my duty and responsiblity as the oldest sister to be one that got the illnesses and pain, I was suppose to be the one who had to die, if necessary.
I didn't know why my sister had to go through this.
I have never thought she was broken. I could never imagined how this was going to change her life, forever.
I prayed more than once, for a way that I could be the one to have the cancer, just so she wouldn't have to be in so much pain. I also prayed continually that she would survive.
It hurt so much to see her suffer, I would have done anything so that she didn't have to hurt. I wished I could yell at the people that she had looked to as friends, that began to treat her differently.
I have never wanted any of my siblings to be in pain. When we were younger, and they would get in trouble, I would go to my room, and cry for them, when they'd get spanked. I'd always try to get the to stop crying.
I am so grateful that she is a survivor, that she is a fighter, that she is amazing. She is so strong, and so brave!
Both of my sister are! They have no idea how much I pale in comparison. They are both so faithful and fearless. They both are so amazingly beautiful and talented. They both have the most beautiful children. They are such incredible examples to me on nearly everything.
I am so incredibly blessed to have these beautiful women in my family. They are the best of my friends, and have been for 31 and 32 years.
I miss them so much. I miss the giggle fits. I miss being Girls with them. I hope they both know how much I love them, and how much their friendship and sistership (I just made that word up) means to me.
Iif I made you cry, I'll appologize, but now my work here is done, for that was my intention.
I love you, Jem & Jess!

Contemplating Mortality and Posterity

This seems a bit of a deep Topic, and I suppose it is. But I have had this contemplation on my mind for a very long time.
First a bit of background.
I have always wanted to be a mother, to bear children and raise a family. I actually wanted several children, 6 would have been alright with me. More than totally due to the fact that I have the most incredible Mother in the whole of the Universe. She is beyond mere words in how much she means to me and how much I admire, and adore her.
Did you know it Really is all on God's Time? I Know this. I was promised that at the "right time I would find a young man to whom I can be married for eternity in the Temple."
I did not married until I was 33. I did find out at the age of 29/30 that it would be very difficult for me to have children. The doctors at that time did not like to say Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrom. But I am a classic, have all the symptoms. I was engaged to a wonderful man at the time, who said that's alright, we will adopt a whole litter. He passed away before we could work things out to get to the marriage stage. Wow, felt like an eternity after Robert died, then I found my Prince Charming. But find him I did. He has a beautiful daughter from his first marriage. I fought right along side My Prince Charming for custody of The Girl, and we won. What a wonderful day that was, and what a learning experience this has been for me, learning how to be a mom. Did you know there aren't guidebooks to help? I became a Stepmother, and I love her with every fiber of my soul. I wish she was mine completely.
But even while I am her Stepmother, she's not related to me. She has a mother. When she gets married and starts her own family, she's not my flesh and blood. Her children will not be related to me. Oh, I'll continue to be the kind of mom that I am, which after all isn't so scary. I know I will love The Girl's children as much, and probably more, because I'll be able to spoil them and send them home all hyped up on sugar.... Haa haaa.
But the hugest realization came to me this last week, well its been there forever....I will never have my own children. I will not go through the pains of child birth, I will not get to watch a unique person develop. I won't be after this mortal shell is empty.
I didn't want to think I cared about this. I wanted to think and believe that this was going to be alright with me. It is to a point. May be I'm being selfish? Or just plain weird. My genes, however screwed up they are for me, won't be passed on. There won't be another adult with my DNA coursing through their veins.
It really boils down to this.
I won't have anyone to remember me.
I won't have generations of mortals who tell tales of Grandma Lyn, and how she lived through the 1970's, the 1980's, the 1990's and through the turn of the Century. I won't have any mortal that has my mannerisms. No one beyond me is going to frantically blink their eyes when they are intensely describing something, or passionately defending someone. I won't be passing any of my Mother's strong teeth genes on. I won't have a child that has the same neck as me and my mother. I won't be passing on my ample bosom, or my lack of a behind. I won't be passing on Father's blue eyes. I won't have a child that looks like me. I won't have anyone who looks like my Dad, my mom, or any of my Grandparents. I won't have anyone to take care of me when I get too old and weak. The Girl promises she will take care of me and My Prince Charming. She's adorable, did I say that.
There won't be anymore me.
My Mother's life was spared when I was in her tummy, so that I could be born, she told me that I was special, and she knew I had something important to do. What else is more important than bearing children under the covenant? I don't want to be a dissappointment to her, I couldn't bear it if I were. I wish I could get an addendum to my patriarchal blessing. But that's not its purpose.
While I was contemplating these truths, there was a whisper...."What about in the eternities?" Though that thought brought a bit of comfort and reassurance, my mind instantly tuned into the "What Ifs". My Prince Charming doesn't like to deal in "What Ifs" he deals with the "what nows".
Some of my biggest "what ifs", are....
"What if, my Prince Charming and I don't have an eternal marriage. You know its not a Guarantee, its not a free pass when you do manage to get married in one of God's Holy Temples.
"What if," I live and make it to the celestial Kingdom, but for some reason My Prince Charming doesn't or I don't?" Do we get a "Do over" with another mate? Do we get to choose that other mate? I am trying to do my best to live like I am going to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'm human, and very imperfect. My Prince Charming has an interesting view of just how merciful our loving Heavenly Father is. I know He is merciful as long as I've done all that I can, through being a decent person, obeying the commandments, shared the gospel however I can, attended Church as regularly as possible, and keep myself Temple Worthy. I suppose I am being a bit too hard on myself, and I know we must endure to the end. And right now that might be a very long time, or not so long after all. But I guess the point is to always be prepared for the Judgement day. (I wonder if They will go alphabetically?)
I don't know if other women feel like this, if they either choose or are not able to bear children. Its always the male that usually bears the stigma of not having a son to carry on their family name.
Any way, that Me contemplating Mortality and Posterity.
For the record, I am so immensely excited and thrilled that I have not one but 2 sisters-in-law who are expecting, as well as one of my own sisters! I always fall so much in love with my nephews and nieces, and there are some that I have not met yet, and may not meet for some time. But I love them regardless. They are as important and dear to me as my own children would be.
I am immensley grateful for my entire family, extended, adopted, stepped, and otherwise. I would never trade my space in that family. I love the little family that I have. I love my stepdaughter and my Prince Charming. They are so incredibly important to me. I just wish I could see everyone all the time.