Monday, May 12, 2008

Contemplating Mortality and Posterity

This seems a bit of a deep Topic, and I suppose it is. But I have had this contemplation on my mind for a very long time.
First a bit of background.
I have always wanted to be a mother, to bear children and raise a family. I actually wanted several children, 6 would have been alright with me. More than totally due to the fact that I have the most incredible Mother in the whole of the Universe. She is beyond mere words in how much she means to me and how much I admire, and adore her.
Did you know it Really is all on God's Time? I Know this. I was promised that at the "right time I would find a young man to whom I can be married for eternity in the Temple."
I did not married until I was 33. I did find out at the age of 29/30 that it would be very difficult for me to have children. The doctors at that time did not like to say Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrom. But I am a classic, have all the symptoms. I was engaged to a wonderful man at the time, who said that's alright, we will adopt a whole litter. He passed away before we could work things out to get to the marriage stage. Wow, felt like an eternity after Robert died, then I found my Prince Charming. But find him I did. He has a beautiful daughter from his first marriage. I fought right along side My Prince Charming for custody of The Girl, and we won. What a wonderful day that was, and what a learning experience this has been for me, learning how to be a mom. Did you know there aren't guidebooks to help? I became a Stepmother, and I love her with every fiber of my soul. I wish she was mine completely.
But even while I am her Stepmother, she's not related to me. She has a mother. When she gets married and starts her own family, she's not my flesh and blood. Her children will not be related to me. Oh, I'll continue to be the kind of mom that I am, which after all isn't so scary. I know I will love The Girl's children as much, and probably more, because I'll be able to spoil them and send them home all hyped up on sugar.... Haa haaa.
But the hugest realization came to me this last week, well its been there forever....I will never have my own children. I will not go through the pains of child birth, I will not get to watch a unique person develop. I won't be after this mortal shell is empty.
I didn't want to think I cared about this. I wanted to think and believe that this was going to be alright with me. It is to a point. May be I'm being selfish? Or just plain weird. My genes, however screwed up they are for me, won't be passed on. There won't be another adult with my DNA coursing through their veins.
It really boils down to this.
I won't have anyone to remember me.
I won't have generations of mortals who tell tales of Grandma Lyn, and how she lived through the 1970's, the 1980's, the 1990's and through the turn of the Century. I won't have any mortal that has my mannerisms. No one beyond me is going to frantically blink their eyes when they are intensely describing something, or passionately defending someone. I won't be passing any of my Mother's strong teeth genes on. I won't have a child that has the same neck as me and my mother. I won't be passing on my ample bosom, or my lack of a behind. I won't be passing on Father's blue eyes. I won't have a child that looks like me. I won't have anyone who looks like my Dad, my mom, or any of my Grandparents. I won't have anyone to take care of me when I get too old and weak. The Girl promises she will take care of me and My Prince Charming. She's adorable, did I say that.
There won't be anymore me.
My Mother's life was spared when I was in her tummy, so that I could be born, she told me that I was special, and she knew I had something important to do. What else is more important than bearing children under the covenant? I don't want to be a dissappointment to her, I couldn't bear it if I were. I wish I could get an addendum to my patriarchal blessing. But that's not its purpose.
While I was contemplating these truths, there was a whisper...."What about in the eternities?" Though that thought brought a bit of comfort and reassurance, my mind instantly tuned into the "What Ifs". My Prince Charming doesn't like to deal in "What Ifs" he deals with the "what nows".
Some of my biggest "what ifs", are....
"What if, my Prince Charming and I don't have an eternal marriage. You know its not a Guarantee, its not a free pass when you do manage to get married in one of God's Holy Temples.
"What if," I live and make it to the celestial Kingdom, but for some reason My Prince Charming doesn't or I don't?" Do we get a "Do over" with another mate? Do we get to choose that other mate? I am trying to do my best to live like I am going to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'm human, and very imperfect. My Prince Charming has an interesting view of just how merciful our loving Heavenly Father is. I know He is merciful as long as I've done all that I can, through being a decent person, obeying the commandments, shared the gospel however I can, attended Church as regularly as possible, and keep myself Temple Worthy. I suppose I am being a bit too hard on myself, and I know we must endure to the end. And right now that might be a very long time, or not so long after all. But I guess the point is to always be prepared for the Judgement day. (I wonder if They will go alphabetically?)
I don't know if other women feel like this, if they either choose or are not able to bear children. Its always the male that usually bears the stigma of not having a son to carry on their family name.
Any way, that Me contemplating Mortality and Posterity.
For the record, I am so immensely excited and thrilled that I have not one but 2 sisters-in-law who are expecting, as well as one of my own sisters! I always fall so much in love with my nephews and nieces, and there are some that I have not met yet, and may not meet for some time. But I love them regardless. They are as important and dear to me as my own children would be.
I am immensley grateful for my entire family, extended, adopted, stepped, and otherwise. I would never trade my space in that family. I love the little family that I have. I love my stepdaughter and my Prince Charming. They are so incredibly important to me. I just wish I could see everyone all the time.

1 comment:

Jessica G. said...

What is about men and the What-if game? The Man doesn't like to let me play it, either. He thinks I worry too much as it...he's right.